How to Stop Being Avoidant in Your Life

Being avoidant in life or a relationship can cause discomfort, loneliness, and many issues. As we stonewall people around us, we close ourselves off and shut people out. This disengaging behavior may be all we know, or may feel safe. But it also may limit our relationships and connection in our lives.

What is Avoidant Behavior?

The term avoidant comes from the Attachment Theory, a theory originally put forth by a British psychologist names John Bowlby. His idea was that attachment style was a learned behavior in early childhood or infancy that created lasting effects on how we connect with other humans. The theory has mixed support and receives criticism of its simplistic view, but it can serve as a good jumping-off point.

When someone has an avoidant attachment style, which falls under insecure attachment, they will generally struggle to open up fully to others. Avoidant people are likely to enjoy being around others, but resist getting too emotionally close. They may feel like intimacy is threatening or scary rather than comforting.

People who are avoidant are often more independent and self-reliant, especially when it comes to emotions. Someone with avoidant behavior will likely retreat to themselves when faced with difficult emotions, seeking to find calmness in internal resources. They may literally avoid expressing or working with emotions around other people.

Individuals who tend toward avoidance also often have a desire for routine and solitude. They may enjoy socializing, but emotional fulfillment is not provided by social interactions. Many people with avoidant behavior feel most at home when they’re in their routine, on their own, and focusing on themselves instead of others.

One of the hallmarks of avoidant behavior is trouble expressing emotions. This can of course be challenging for anyone, so it is not indicative by itself of an avoidant attachment style. When somebody tends toward avoidance, they likely find the expression of emotions to be too vulnerable or uncomfortable. Instead, they keep it in, and likely struggle with deep emotional intimacy. 

Finally, avoidant individuals may have harsh views of others. They might point out flaws in others very quickly, or hold onto resentments. It serves as a defense mechanism, keeping others at bay. 

What Causes Avoidant Behavior?

According to attachment theory, avoidant behavior is largely an effect of childhood experiences. The hypothesis of attachment theory is that babies and young children learn at a very early age how to relate to their parents or caregivers. 

If your caregiver was a bit emotionally distant, super critical, or punishing, it may have nudged you toward an avoidant attachment style. Specifically, if you expressed an emotional need or had an emotional need and it was met with harshness, you may have learned to keep those emotions inside rather than expressing them. You also may have learned to self-soothe quite effectively, as you didn’t have someone to go to with your difficult emotions.

Ways to Stop Being Avoidant

The truth is that avoidant behavior is something many people carry deep down in their minds and bodies. It is not as simple as just deciding to be less avoidant. It takes time, work, effort, and consistency. Here are a few concrete steps you can take toward being less avoidant in your life and relationships.

Express Your Feelings

This is probably the biggest (and most vague) tip on this list. This is the crux of working with avoidant behavior. Learning to express your feelings in a way that feels useful and safe is difficult, but will lead you out of avoidant behavior. It is important to start small here. We don’t need to share every emotion with a stranger on the bus!

You might start by sharing the “small” emotions where appropriate. I like using journaling, utilizing the writing as a mindfulness practice. You also might talk to a close friend or therapist. Don’t start with the huge, difficult emotions. Practice being vulnerable with the small things, as they will be more approachable and less uncomfortable. You can then work your way up to the bigger or more charged feelings.

Dare to Connect with Others

Sometimes in order to work with something, we need to really step outside our comfort zones. See if you can find somewhere in your life where you can connect with others a bit more. You don’t need to dive headfirst into an intimate emotional relationship, just make friends. You might work to become better friends with someone you know, or find a new friend.

As you begin interacting with others more, make a point to share when appropriate about yourself. You might try asking about their life, relationships, work, etc. When appropriate, share a little bit about yourself. 

Furthermore, when you’re frustrated, down, struggling, or just sad, reach out to someone! This is called proximity-seeking behavior, and is often hard for people who have avoidant tendencies. You don’t need to share your deepest emotions, but seeking support when struggling is a powerful way to train yourself out of avoidant behavior.

Be Curious and Empathetic

As avoidant people tend to be critical or judgemental of others, you can counter this with effortful curiosity and empathy. When you speak with your partner or a loved one, you may want to set the intention to avoid criticism altogether. Really focus on curiosity and empathy. You might try this compassion meditation toward a friend.

You also can bring curiosity into the equation. Often, the harsh views or critical thoughts we have are very one-dimensional. Get to know the person. Ask about their likes, fears, hopes, dreams, etc. As we begin to see people more deeply by looking with curiosity, the judgements can fall away.

Be Honest 

Next, practice honesty. Again, you don’t need brutal honesty where you are sharing your emotional experience left and right. But try to be more honest with yourself and with others. When you’re struggling, admit you’re struggling. It’s okay to follow it up by mentioning you don’t wish to talk about it further. But take the initial act of admitting what you are experiencing. This takes courage for an avoidant person, so be gentle with yourself!

Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness is a great tool that can serve us in so many ways. As we practice mindfulness, we get to know our own internal experience more deeply and clearly. Mindfulness can help avoidant behavior by allowing us the opportunity to see what is occurring within us. As we see what is happening in our emotional experience, we can learn to respond with attention and kindness rather than judgement and avoidance. 

Here’s a meditation I recorded back in 2017 that focuses on being mindful with acceptance and kindness, perfect for working with avoidant behavior. 

See a Therapist

Finally, you may want to seek help from a therapist. A therapist can support you in working with the behavior, setting practical goals, and working toward healthier or more fulfilling relationships in your life. There are many types of individual therapy, and many different therapists. Find one that works well for you, you connect with, and perhaps has experience helping individuals with avoidant behavior.