Emotional Affairs: Understanding the Causes, Stages, and Signs

Emotional affairs often start slowly, and without intention. It’s much more common than one might think. According to Health Research Funding, about 35% of married women and 45% of married men report having had an emotional affair at some time.

An emotional affair can cause havoc in a relationship or the family. Although it is not exactly the same as a physical affair it can cause issues with trust, point toward issues in the relationship, and be a wakeup call for everyone involved.

I’m going to cover some of the basics of emotional affairs here. We’ll cover the common seven stages of emotional affairs, signs in each state, potential causes, and of course what to do to recover.

Although I will talk about it more toward the end in the section on potential causes, I want to stress something important here at the beginning. Emotional cheating causes pain, and is not the skillful way to handle a situation. But an emotional affair is also sometimes a sign that something is not working in your relationship.

Stages of Emotional Affairs

There are many different models that offer stages of emotional affairs. Some are seven-step models, while others are eleven-step models. I’ll offer my seven stages here, keeping in mind it may look different from case to case.

Initial Connection/Friendship

Every emotional affair starts small. It’s often innocent. You meet someone and engage naturally in conversation or activities. It might be a coworker, a friend, someone you meet online, or someone that works somewhere you frequent.

There might be some weak sense of attraction or connection, but this is generally not problematic. It’s a neutral platonic friendship, which we all have in our lives.

Warning Signs

Something to look for here at the early stage is an over-excitement to engage with this person. If you find yourself more excited to interact with this new person than you generally feel to see people, it may be a sign to check in with yourself.

It’s important to know here at this stage that there isn’t inherently an issue. Initial connections and platonic friendships are healthy and normal. What you want to look out for is the spark of excitement or the moving into the next stage.

How to Respond 

Awareness is critical here. It’s up to you to know yourself and recognize if this is a normal new friendship, or if it has the potential to develop into something else. The real key here at the beginning is to be self-aware, question yourself, and be honest with yourself. 

Emotional Bonding and Communication

In the second stage, an emotional bond begins to grow and communication increases. Not only does the frequency of communication increase, the quality of communication generally changes. People move more toward sharing personal experiences and emotions.

Again, we aren’t necessarily into inherently dangerous territory yet. It’s healthy to have friends we can communicate openly and honestly with. Sharing an emotional bond with our friends helps us to feel heard, and is an important part of a support system.

Warning Signs

During this stage of emotional affairs, you are again looking out for progression into the next stages. As you start sharing personal struggles and emotions, you should watch for anything you’re sharing that you’re not also sharing with your partner.

If you begin to get the inkling of a feeling that this person sees you or understands you better than your partner, you’re entering firmly into the territory of emotional affairs. This may be because you’re not sharing honestly with your partner, or it may be a sign of something deeper in your relationship.

How to Respond 

It’s important to not be avoidant here and face it head-on. Are you looking for some emotional validation that you’re not finding in your relationship? At this point, it’s important to speak with your partner.

You might discuss your emotions, need for validation and understanding, and the experience you’re having. The “solution” here is both to attempt to reconnect with your partner and stop looking for emotional affirmation from this new person. 

Emotional Intimacy

In the third stage, emotional intimacy begins. It may not be strong or overwhelming at first; this is just the beginning. This is when the “butterflies” might start becoming more apparent. You begin feeling ever so slight feelings of attraction/intimacy.

It’s important to note that at this stage (or sometimes any stage), attraction often is not sexual in nature. As we’re discussing emotional cheating, it’s more of an emotional intimacy. You might feel some sort of deep connection forming.

Warning Signs

The chief warning sign to watch for here is a feeling of intimacy. When you notice these butterflies, however slight they may be, you’ve moved into this stage of emotional intimacy. You also might keep an eye on the depth of the connection you feel you have. If you’ve moved from a platonic friendship into this feeling of a deeper connection, it’s a warning sign.

How to Respond 

Here, the wise response is again recognition. We recognize this deepening of the feeling of connection, and take a step back. We definitely want to talk to our partner or a therapist at this point as we are into emotional affair territory.

Secrecy and/or Distance

The fourth stage of an emotional affair brings secrecy and distance from your partner. You conceal the new relationship from your partner or downplay how much you see them or speak with them. You also might not tell them about the other person at all. The secrecy may be due to guilt or shame, and it may add excitement to the experience.

Along with the secrecy comes a distancing from your partner. Often, this is an emotional withdrawal. Here we can clearly see the affair is beginning to concretely impact the relationship. You might avoid deep conversations or feel irritated with your partner.

Warning Signs

The warning signs here center on the secrecy and distance. Secrecy may look like avoiding conversations about the person, deleting or hiding messages, prioritizing conversations over spending time with your partner, or avoiding your partner altogether.

As far as distancing goes you might spend less time talking to your partner, especially when it comes to deep emotional conversations. Conversations may feel forced, distant, or somehow different than before. You also might notice a comparison between your partner and the other person in your head.

How to Respond 

With the secrecy, it becomes quite apparent and explicit. Unlike the previous stages, you have something concrete to notice, so notice it! Recognize the secrecy and the related emotional distancing as it’s happening.

Again, talk with your partner. At this point, you’ve likely passed into causing a serious conversation to arise, so be prepared. You’ll need to discuss the secrecy, the distance, and the emotional experience that has been going along with it. Practice patience, honesty, and compassion for the other person as well.

Self-Justification

This stage is often called rationalization or self-justification. Because you’ve grown more connected to this person and are even hiding it perhaps, you begin to have to rationalize it to yourself. This means you try to convince yourself that it is a harmless relationship or that you’re just friends. 

This also may come up as a belief that your partner doesn’t understand the situation or other person in the way you do. You also might justify it as something temporary, and that you can end it or step away at any time.

Warning Signs

Any time you notice justification or rationalizing arise, you’re looking at a serious warning sign. Externally, you might find yourself getting defensive when questions surrounding this person arise. You also might have feelings of blame toward your partner, feeling like they might partially be at fault.

How to Respond 

Once you’ve reached this stage, you need to take it seriously. You might seek out individual therapy, talk to a loved one, or take an inventory. Recognize the rationalization and address this problem before even more damage is done. Remember that talking to your partner now may seem overwhelming, but it will only be worse if it is put off.

Emotional Attachment

This sixth stage is sometimes referred to as “emotional climax,” and happens when the relationship is more emotionally fulfilling than your primary relationship. You may begin to fantasize a future with the person, feel stuck between two relationships, or consider leaving your partner.

Warning Signs

You may confide in this person more than your partner, feel dependent on them for support and/or validation, or begin fantasizing about being with them more firmly. You also might find yourself questioning your current relationship, values, and priorities. 

How to Respond 

With strong emotional attachment, disconnecting becomes difficult. We often need support to help us. Recognize that the relationship may be severely or permanently damaged by now, and treat this issue with the respect it deserves.

Crisis or Decision

The final stage is the crisis or the decision point. It’s the pivotal moment of the affair, where you are faced with the decision to either end the emotional affair or pursue it. The person feels deeply torn, and the decision is not an easy one to make. 

Warning Signs

You’re faced with feelings of shame and guilt, but also not fully done with the emotional affair. You might be emotionally exhausted, filled with uncertainty, and/or confused to the point of frustration. Feeling conflicted is the hallmark of this stage.

How to Respond 

The response here really is simple: make a decision. You can either move forward with the person, or mend the relationship with your partner. Either way, you’re going to have to make a tough decision. Don’t let someone else make the decision for you.

Causes of Emotional Affairs

An emotional affair can be caused by a variety of factors. It may not be one single thing or experience; often it is some combination of different things. These causes aren’t to offer excuses, but to offer understanding. 

Once we understand the causes behind our behavior, we can begin to address the root problem. This is by no means an extensive list of potential causes, but here are many contributing factors to emotional affairs in my experience as a clinician.

Unmet Emotional Needs

This is often one of the most core causes of an emotional affair. This isn’t to say that the partner is doing anything wrong necessarily, but the person cheating feels like they are not having their emotional needs met. 

It may feel lonely, unseen, or misunderstood. It also may tie into other causes such as needing validation, experiencing loneliness, or poor communication. For this reason, it’s important to recognize emotional needs in a relationship and communicate about whether or not they are being met.

Validation and Esteem

People who experience low self-esteem may be more likely to engage in an emotional affair. The need for external validation can play a part. It may be a need to be validated in relation to looks, intelligence, or value in any other way.

Relationship Dissatisfaction

General relationship dissatisfaction definitely sets the stage for an emotional affair. Maybe you’re not having physical or emotional needs met, with a partner who is abusive in some way, or continues apologizing for behavior without changing. 

Relationship dissatisfaction comes in many forms. It’s often a slow drift away that creates emotional distance. It also can be coupled with a sometimes subtle feeling of resentment. You also might experience constant chronic conflict.

Boredom

This may sound silly, but boredom can be a contributing factor. We sometimes don’t know we feel bored. It may be because of a long-term relationship, or we may be bored in life in general. Sometimes a new relationship gives us the emotional rush of the early-stage interactions that we’re missing.

Loneliness

We can feel lonely in our lives or relationship because of emotional distance, resentments, or any number of things. We also might be physically distant and lonely. If you are separated from your support system for whatever reason, this can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness.

This can happen when we move, for example. It also might happen when we move in with a new partner, start a new job (or they do), or have a child. As life changes, we sometimes grow distant from those who love us and end up feeling lonely.

Personality and Psychology

There are many personality traits and mental health disorders that may increase the risk of infidelity, including emotional cheating. These include people high in narcissistic traits, low self-awareness, low empathy, and permissive sexual attitudes.

Many mental health disorders may likewise be tied with an increased risk of cheating. These include ADHD, certain personality disorders, substance use disorder, and anxiety disorders. If you experience some of these mental health conditions, it may be worth being a little bit extra attentive. 

Trauma and Neglect

A history of trauma or neglect, especially in early childhood, may be linked with higher rates of cheating. These experiences can lead to what is known as “emotional hunger,” or a need to find emotional validation constantly. Trauma may also play a part in a lack of deep connection in a relationship, and the need to find a safe person to attach to.

Opportunity and Proximity

In my practice, opportunity and proximity almost always plays a big role when it comes to emotional affairs. It often happens with a colleague, supervisor, online friend, or community member the person sees frequently.

It’s natural to have friends in other communities or at work, but this is a place we watch carefully. When starting a new job or entering a new community, we should watch our relationships to make sure they are wholesome.

Poor Communication

Communication in general is an important part of a healthy relationship. I actually wrote a whole series of posts about healthy communication years ago because I believe it to be one of the most foundational parts of a solid relationship.

A lack of communication may lead the way toward an emotional affair. This may include not communicating feelings, not connecting about our true experiences, and not sharing fears and hopes with one another. We can often feel this as a slight distancing.

Stress and Exhaustion

Stress in general can cause many issues, not just in relationships. When one feels exhausted emotionally, they might be more emotional but less able to truly feel their feelings. With continued stress, we lack the energy to have true emotional connections with our partner.

This can be stress from family responsibilities, burnout at work, or a big life change (more on this in a moment). The more ongoing and chronic the stress is, the more it tends to impact many aspects of one’s life. 

Life Transitions

Any life transition can be destabilizing, and emotional affairs may be more likely surrounding these times. As we go through changes in our lives, we may struggle with identity. An emotional affair often provides a way to deal with stress and to invent a new identity.

Any life transition may be a potential cause. Things like moving, having children, retiring, getting married, getting divorced, going through menopause, or dealing with the death of a loved one are just a few examples.

Wanting Out

I think it’s important to note that sometimes part of the reality is that one partner just wants out. Maybe the relationship is okay, or maybe it is causing harm. Either way, emotional affairs may happen partially as a way for a partner to put one foot out the door without having to truly make the decision to leave themselves.

Recovering from an Emotional Affair

If you have gone through the experience of an emotional affair, you know it can wreak havoc on your life. Whether you were the one who engaged with someone else or the partner who was cheated on, it generally takes quite a bit of work to move forward.

Remember to Practice Self-Care

First, and perhaps most important, is the need to practice some self-care. Going through an experience like this is heavy, and bound to have an effect on both partners. Remember to validate yourself and your experiences, not glossing over any pain.

It does not matter which end of the situation you are in. Either way, it is painful. Remember to be kind to yourself, and take care of yourself. Keep up with your routine as much as possible, eat well, exercise, and do the little things to keep grounded.

Connect with Your Partner

I know it is hard to connect with each other after going through an emotional affair. All of the feelings of guilt, shame, anger, distrust, and confusion make it a messy situation. Many times one partner just wants to reconnect while the other is stewing in anger.

A good place to start is by sharing how you’re feeling. This may be hard to say or to hear from your partner, but re-connecting is going to require some uncomfortable conversations. You might try using some vulnerable questions to ask your partner or some sort of structure to make it easier.

You can also reconnect by trying to do things together that you both enjoy, finding common ground that is neutral and fun, and/or taking up a new hobby together.

Practice Mindfulness

I’m always recommending mindfulness, but I find it to be one of the greatest tools in my own life. Meditation can help us is so many ways including reducing anxiety and stress, improving self-esteem, and increasing self awareness. You can read more about the benefits of meditation here.

Try to start a regular meditation practice with short meditation periods. You only need a few minutes a day. You can also find some pretty powerful mindfulness activities for couples to do together, offering a great way to both practice mindfulness and connect deeply. 

Communicate Effectively

This is a topic that is its own whole thing. As I mentioned, I wrote a series of posts about healthy communication that I recommend checking out. After an emotional affair, healthy communication can become difficult. As such, we should take extra care to communicate effectively.

Make sure to use “I” statements, communicate when the time is right for both of you, and try to be as honest as possible. Keep in mind your deeper intentions. Sometimes we lash out with anger or resentment because we are hurt. Try to connect with your intention to move forward and to care about the person in front of you.

On the other side, try to listen mindfully. Don’t just wait to speak or respond. Make space for your partner’s experience. Whichever side of the situation you are on, both of your feelings matter. To move forward, you will eventually need to understand how your partner feels to some degree.

Take Space Where You Need

Remember that it’s okay to take space and time where you need. If you’re not ready to have a conversation about your feelings, don’t be pressured to do so too soon. Check in with yourself, and give yourself the space/time you need.

You don’t want to just avoid the situation forever. You will eventually need to face it. But that doesn’t mean you have to do it on someone else’s time. Make space and time for yourself, be alone or with other people, and address everything when it feels doable.

Set Boundaries

Again, boundaries deserve a post on their own (or a series!). After such pain and hurt, boundaries can help us find some safety. Especially when it comes to affairs, connection is often lost or suffers, which can feel destabilizing.

We can set boundaries with our partners as far as outside social interactions go, talking about certain feelings, or whatever we feel is necessary to support ourselves and the relationship. Boundaries may feel harsh, but remember that a healthy boundary is set to support and care, not to block out or punish.

Seek Support

Finally, seek support. This may be from a loved one or friend, or a professional. This is simply not something you need to go through alone. Social support can go a long way in helping you look at things in a new light and with emotional support.

A trained Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT) can also support you in recovering from an emotional affair. A therapist likely has experience supporting individuals going through similar experiences, and can help in many ways.

They can support a fostering of healthy communication, help you navigate the difficult emotions that are present, and build skills for the future to prevent relapse with the behavior. Please don’t hesitate to reach out for a free consultation if you feel that you might need support!