Retroactive Jealousy: What It Is and How to Overcome It
You know your partner had other relationships before you met. But you still find yourself feeling jealous of their exes. Maybe you think about them when you don’t want to, compare yourself to them, or want to know all of the details. This is retroactive jealousy at play.
We all have a past. The problem isn’t that we have pasts. The problem with retroactive jealousy lies in how we respond to that past in the present moment. We’ll cover a bit about what retroactive jealousy actually is, common signs and symptoms, causes, and some techniques to help overcome it.
What is Retroactive Jealousy?
Retroactive jealousy is jealousy about a partner’s past, not something that is happening in the current relationship. It’s often specifically linked to romantic and sexual history, and can cause strong feelings despite intellectually understanding the past is the past. People may experience intrusive thoughts and images, comparisons, curiosity, and questioning.
It’s important to distinguish between retroactive jealousy and jealousy in the present. Ordinary jealousy is jealousy of something happening right now between your partner and someone else. Retroactive jealousy is feeling distressed about something that happened before you were together.
Signs and Symptoms of Retroactive Jealousy
Retroactive jealousy can lead to a variety of symptoms. It may arise as anxiety, self-doubt, or even anger. Being able to recognize this type of jealousy can help you address it more quickly when it arises, and dig into its root causes.
Common Thoughts
Common thoughts associated with retroactive jealousy generally center on comparison, self-doubt, curiosity, and rumination. They may include:
Was their ex better than me?
Did they love their ex more?
Were they more attracted to them?
Does my partner still think about them?
Was their relationship better?
What did they do together?
Am I not as good as them?
Do they miss their ex?
Replaying scenes in your head
Common Emotions
The emotions that arise out of retroactive jealousy can be quite varied. Although you may think the jealousy itself is the emotion, this form of jealousy can take many forms.
Jealousy - This is a bit obvious, but is still something to watch out for.
Fear - Fear may arise of your partner leaving you, of not being enough, or of simply continuing to experience this jealousy.
Anger - Anger and resentment can arise as frustration grows with the partner. As anger often does, it masks deeper feelings of hurt, fear, or vulnerability.
Disgust - This is an involuntary emotional response that in this case most often arises as shaming or guilt-tripping someone for behaviors in their past.
Inadequacy - These are ego-driven feelings of not feeling enough.
Common Behaviors
Along with the thoughts, you may have some behaviors that can be impulsive. They often come from the thoughts and emotions that arise, and you may find yourself behaving in ways you don’t intend to.
Asking your partner repeatedly about their past
Checking ex’s social media or looking them up
Comparing yourself to previous partners
Seeking reassurance from your partner
Looking for evidence that you’re “better”
Asking questions despite receiving an answer
How It Can Impact Your Relationship
Obviously these types of thoughts, emotional experiences, and behaviors can have a powerful impact on a relationship. These are a few ways retroactive jealousy can effect your relationship.
Arguments and Interrogation
This is a very common symptom of retroactive jealousy, and one we hear about the most in our online therapy practice. It can take the form of interrogations, where one partner is asking the other about their past repeatedly. It also can manifest as arguments happening constantly. They may or may not even be about the past.
Emotional Withdrawal
Emotional withdrawal can happen on the part of both partners in these situations. One partner may be stewing in resentment and jealousy, while the other partner begins to feel this anger. Emotional withdrawal often isn’t something that happens explicitly like an argument. It happens slowly over time, and you notice you are not sharing the same emotional connection you once did.
Reduced Intimacy
This goes hand-in-hand with emotional withdrawal. As the jealousy and resentment grow, physical intimacy falls. And when there is physical intimacy, it may not feel very emotionally intimate. Sex life may feel angry, mechanical, or like a chore.
Feelings of Resentment
As already mentioned, feelings of resentment are fairly common when retroactive jealousy enters the relationship. One partner feels resentful about the other’s past, and the other partner feels resentful for the way they are being treated. There’s generally hurt underneath both sides, but the actual experience may feel like anger or resentment.
Anxiety and Present Jealousy
People experiencing retroactive jealousy often share feelings of anxiety. You might be preoccupied by thoughts of your partner’s past, worried about their emotional experience, or jealous of what they’re doing in the present. It’s common that retroactive jealousy causes present-time jealousy. As you worry about your partner’s past, you may become anxious about what they are doing in the present. You might worry about an emotional affair, cheating, family relationships, or even friendships.
Causes of Retroactive Jealousy
There’s no one definitive cause of retroactive jealousy. Much like many behaviors and experiences, there are a variety of causes. Even if you identify with one of these causes, it may be worth considering the others as factors. To be crystal clear, having one of these does not mean you will necessarily experience retroactive jealousy.
Low Self-Esteem
General struggles with insecurity and low self-esteem can be a factor in retroactive jealousy. This may be nature or nurture. We’ll talk below about a few reasons this insecurity may arise. But whatever the reason for the insecurity, it may be a partial cause of retroactive jealousy.
Anxiety
General anxiety may also be a cause of retroactive jealousy. The nature of anxiety is difficulty in managing heightened states of arousal. When the nervous system gets activated with thoughts of your partner’s past, existing anxiety may activate and cause the thoughts to intensify.
Previous Betrayal
Previous diffiuclties in relationships may influence retroactive jealousy. This is especially true if the previous betrayal was never addressed therapeutically. Unresolved experiences like these can have the power to influence our current thoughts and behaviors.
Attachment and Abandonment
Contrary to what we read on the internet frequently, we cannot say retroactive jalousy is caused by insecure attachment. However, strong attachments and fear of abandonment may play a role. When we live with this fear, we look for evidence of it. In the case of retroactive jealousy, we may look for evidence from the past.
Obsessive-compulsive Patterns
We read a lot about retroactive jealousy being a form of OCD, and want to clarify. Retroactive jealous is not OCD. Yes, it can present with obsessive-compulsive patterns. You may experience the intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and compulsive behavior. Something presenting in an obsessive-compulsive pattern doesn’t make it OCD in the same way sleeping a lot doesn’t make it depression!
Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy
So, we have the information about what retroactive jealousy is and what may cause it, but what do we do with it? Like many mental health conditions and experiences, retroactive jealousy is often treated best with multiple techniques and practices.
Know the Triggers
One of the most foundational things we can do to work with retroactive jealousy is to recognize the triggers. Are there certain situations that seem to trigger it? For example, you may notice using social media makes it worse. Or maybe you struggle with anxiety at night, and this is when the jealousy arises.
Knowing the triggers can help us be ready for the jealousy. We might consider avoiding certain ones, and preparing ourselves in the presence of other ones. Ask yourself where and when you notice the retroactive jealousy arising in your life. You will eventually see a pattern emerge.
Recognize Thoughts Are Not Facts
A good thing to remember is that thoughts are not facts. We habitually believe our thoughts, or at least listen to them. The thoughts about your partner’s past arise, and suck you right in. Instead of recognizing them as simply thoughts, they carry you off into anxiety and jealousy. Instead, we can learn to simply observe these experiences as thoughts.
When you recognize thoughts of retroactive jealousy present, try giving them a name. Label them simply as “jealousy.” By noting this type of thinking you are acknowledging it and creating some space. You might recognize the thought as just a thought, and not necessarily true. This labeling can help us from getting hooked in.
Stop Feeding the Cycle
When you do find yourself having a moment of retroactive jealousy, it can be intense. You might try some thought redirection. Thought redirection is exactly as it sounds. We redirect our thoughts to stop feeding this cycle of anxiety and jealousy. There are many ways to do this.
You might try the simple 5-4-3-2-1 practice. It’s one of our favorite go-to’s because it can be done anywhere at any time. Here’s how it’s done:
Note in your head (or name out loud) 5 things you can see
Note 4 things you can feel physically
Note 3 things you can hear
Note 2 things you can smell
Note 1 thing you can taste
You can also stop feeding the cycle with repeated questioning, checking social media, researching exes, and comparing yourself. Although these things may feel useful or helpful when the impulse arises, they strengthen the cycle of retroactive jealousy. Even if you have to white-knuckle it, stop engaging in the behaviors that are feeding the cycle.
Tune Into the Fear
There is almost always some fear underneath retroactive jealousy. This takes some self-investigation. You might ask yourself some questions, or use a journal to help clarify your thoughts. Instead of just noticing you’re jealous of your partner’s ex, ask what the fear is in the present moment. Some possible fears include:
Not being good enough
Not being as attractive
Abandonment
Being compared with someone else
Being replaceable
Not being loved
By tuning into the fear, we are actually getting to the root causes of the jealousy. We can work on tending to this fear so the jealousy doesn’t grow back.
Challenge Comparison
Comparison is a hallmark of retroactive jealousy. It may be verbal or silent in your head. We can challenge these thoughts of comparison. When you find yourself comparing your appearance, sexual experience, attractiveness, career or income, personality, etc., pause and challenge it. Do you know that these beliefs you’re having are true? Do you know your partner feels the same way? Or are they just fears?
Furthermore, comparing yourself to someone from the past often doesn’t tell us much about the current relationship! Your partner was at a different point in their life, experiencing something different. Comparing yourself to an old partner is apples to oranges.
Be Present
You might investigate some mindfulness practice. A lot of the experience of retroactive jealousy is rooted in the past, with symptoms arising in the present. Instead of focusing on stories about the past, we can learn to focus on the feelings, thoughts, and experience in the present. With some mindfulness, we grow to know the mind, understand it more clearly, and become less reactive. We also see the effects of the jealousy more clearly.
You don’t need to go on a meditation retreat or meditate for 30 minutes every day to practice mindfulness. Just practice noticing the mind has gone into the past. Acknowledge what is present, and focus on your experience here and now. How does it feel to have this jealousy present? What thoughts go along with it?
Communicate With Your Partner
This can be uncomfortable, but is crucial. Be vulnerable, and tell them about your underlying fears and difficulties. Share about your insecurities and what you’re doing to work on it. Do not discuss their past, seek reassurance, or put any blame on them. For more ideas on healthy communication, you can check out this first post in my series on healthy communication.
Consider Therapy
Finally, therapy can help with retroactive jealousy. Whether you reach our for individual therapy or couples counseling, we are here to support you. We offer online therapy for anxiety, couples, trauma, and much more. There are many types of individual therapy, and we’re happy to help you find the right fit.
Dealing with retroactive jealousy is a great thing to talk about in therapy. Together with your therapist, you will discover what is lying under the jealousy. You will develop real-life skills and coping mechanisms, and learn how to communicate more healthily with your partner. You can use the form below to reach out to us for a free consultation.
Common Questions
Should You Ask Your Partner About Their Past?
No. This is feeding the cycle of retroactive jealousy. It can feel in the moment that knowing more details will solve your problem or make you feel better. It might provide some quick relief, but it will worsen the situation in the long run. Recognize these impulses, and use a coping skill to pause.
When is Jealousy About the Past a Concern?
Jealousy about the past becomes a concern when it begins impacting your current relationship. If you experience some jealousy but are able to let it go, it may not be a problem right now. But when you begin asking repeated questions, interrogating your partner, or doubting their honesty, it’s a problem.
Can Retroactive Jealousy Ever Go Away?
Yes! But it takes some work. It won’t go away by asking your partner questions or digging into their past. It goes away when we deal with the underlying fear. It often takes some investigation of what is feeding the jealousy, along with coping skills to stop feeding the cycle.
