Why Do I Shut Down During Arguments?
You may want to resolve a conflict, but the conflict turns into a full-on argument. Suddenly you find yourself unable to speak, think clearly, or express yourself at all. Maybe you go quiet, stare into space, feel numb, or leave the room. This creates confusion and frustration, and generally doesn’t help us resolve whatever conflict is present.
Shutting down during conflict is a common response. It can happen for a variety of reasons. It’s not necessarily a sign you don’t care about the relationship or argument. And the good news is you can learn to recognize when it is happening and develop healthier ways to respond.
What Does It Mean to Shut Down During an Argument?
Shutting down during arguments can take many forms. Generally it is unintentional, while a healthy break is more intentional (more on this later). Shutting down involves an involuntary distancing from the situation, a lack of ability to engage, and often feelings of overwhelm. People who have shut down might:
Stop talking or struggle to find the right words
Feel emotionally numb or disconnected
Struggle to think clearly
Avoid eye contact and/or physical proximity
Experience feelings of wanting to escape
Feel physically tense or frozen
Struggle to know what they feel or need in that moment
Feel exhaustion, physical or emotional
Want the argument to end or walk out
Reasons You May Shut Down During Arguments
There are many reasons that individuals shut down during arguments. Regardless of the type of argument or who it is with, shutting down can arise without us even recognizing it’s happening. Below are some potential reasons you may be shutting down. I encourage you to consider these points, and remember that often there isn’t just one cause.
The Nature of the Relationship
The first thing worth mentioning is the nature of the relationship. If you’re arguing with a spouse, it may be different than arguing with your boss. Spousal arguments can touch on difficult topics like emotional affairs, a lack of feeling seen or heard, retroactive jealousy, or uneven sharing of responsibilities. These are very charged arguments, and can cause quite a bit of distress.
On the other hand, an argument with someone like a boss carries with it a difference in power dynamic. Although the argument may not be as charged as it might be with a partner, this added power dynamic can increase the risk of shutting down. This isn’t necessarily something we can change, but we can recognize it as a factor.
Stress Response of the Nervous System
The fight, flight, or freeze response is something within all of us. Conflict can activate the body’s threat response in the sympathetic nervous system. When the nervous system becomes activated in this way, thinking and communicating often become more difficult. This isn’t just true for arguments; it can happen any time the nervous system feels a threat.
It can be helpful to recognize this is a protective response. It may not be as useful as the body thinks it is, but it nonetheless is a protective mechanism. This isn’t something we should beat ourselves up for. We can look at this with some compassion and understanding, and work to train the nervous system in understanding when we’re safe or not.
Strong Emotional Experience
Simply put, a strong emotional experiecne can overwhelm us. This is especially true when multiple strong emotions arise at the same time. You may experience feelings of anger, fear, shame, hurt, anxiety, or sadness during an argument. When these emotions all come together, it is just a really strong emotional experience that can lead to shutting down.
A Learned Avoidance of Conflict
Many of us have avoidant tendencies, and it can be difficult to learn to stop being avoidant. We may be conflict-avoidant in general in our lives. When arguments inevitably arise in life, it truggers this avoidance. This can be in our nature or come from nurture. Maybe we learned it as a child, and perhaps how our nervous system is wired plays a role.
Fear of Making Things Worse
In our online therapy practice, this is one of the most common things we hear from people who struggle with shutting down during arguments. Feelings of fear arise, and we worry that whatever we say will make everything worse. Instead of saying anything at all, we freeze up. This can create a cycle where the anxiety leads to silence, the other person pushes harder, anxiety increases, and so on.
Struggling to Identify or Express Emotions
Whether it’s because our nervous system is activated, we’re having strong emotions, or any other reason, we can struggle with clarity in these moments. We feel upset but are unclear why, process emotions in a different way than our partner, or just feel complete overwhelm. Sometimes, we don’t know what we’re feeling or how to express it until hours after the conflict.
Past Trauma or Difficult Experiences
Many experiences with trauma, adverse childhood experiences, trauma, and neglect can influence how someone responds to conflict. Shutting down doesn’t mean there is necessarily trauma. In couples therapy, we find that certain tones, words, and behaviors can be triggering. Without knowing it, your partner may be activating some sort of difficult past experience that leads to a withdrawal.
Is Shutting Down During Arguments a Trauma Response?
I can’t diagnose you and your mental health over a blog post. But what I can say is that shutting down does not mean trauma is necessarily to blame. Yes, people with trauma may be more likely to shut down during arguments. But contrary to what I see on many websites and forums, shutting down during an argument is not indicative of trauma itself. There are many factors that can be at play, as we just covered.
Shutting Down vs. Giving Yourself Space
I think it’s crucial to recognize the difference between shutting down and giving yourself space. From the outside they can look quite similar, but they are unique experiences. If we aren’t careful, we can label healthy time-outs as shutting down. And if we aren’t mindful about how we give ourselves space, our partners might think we are shutting down.
When we give ourselves space, we do so out of insight and awareness. We recognize we need some time to calm down, clarify our experience, and figure out our needs. We communicate this, the timeline of return, and the intention to continue the conversation. Giving space also is used to regulate oneself, not to punish the other or avoid something.
On the other hand, shutting down is involuntary. It’s based in avoidance and freezing rather than understanding. We don’t choose to withdraw consciously, it just happens. If we can, we communicate it’s happening. But we aren’t able to commnicate this effectively always once we’ve shut down.
What to Do When You Notice Yourself Shutting Down
We’ve covered some reasons you may be shutting down or withdrawing during arguments, but what do we do when we see it happening? We can know the triggers that often cause it, when we may be at risk, and why it happens. But we also need to have some tools to deal with it in the moment.
Recognize Early Signs
One of the most important things to do is familiarize yourself with the experience. This may be through mindfulness or awareness. We recognize how it feels to shut down in both the mind and the body. As we watch it happen, we begin to recognize the early signs. It’s much easier to communicate the space or time we need when we’re just beginning to shut down than when it’s already happened fully.
Communicate What’s Happening
If you’re able, communicate what’s happening. Shutting down can be frustrating to the other partner, especially if they’re unaware it happens to you. Simply saying that you feel yourself shutting down and need some space can go a long way. Tell them you need a moment, and reassure them that you’re not avoiding the conversation indefinitely.
Take a Real Break
This is a great moment to take a real break and create some space. Give yourself time to allow the nervous system to settle. Don’t go back to the conversation while the nervous system is still activated or you might head right back into shutting down. Allow yourself ample time and space to fully come down.
Use Grounding Techniques
During your break, you might try some grounding techniques. Grounding techniques can help you calm the nervous system, arrive back in the body, and train the mind and body that they’re safe. Investigate different techniques for different situations, and figure out what works for you. None of these are quick fixes that will work 100% every time. But recognize what supports you in grounding back into safety.
Practice Self-Compassion
During this break or during the argument, self-compassion is a great tool. Recognize there is pain or discomfort present. Rather than pushing it away, turn toward it with a tender and loving presence. You might offer the simple phrase, “I see this moment of pain.” You also might try some self-compassion journaling to clarify your thoughts and process everything with kindness.
Return to the Conversation
Finally, return to the conversation. Taking a self-compassion break isn’t an excuse to avoid the conflict altogether. We can’t leave these things simmering for too long. Give yourself the time and space you need, but return to the conversation intentionally.
How Therapy Can Help with Shutting Down During Arguments
Shutting down during conflict is a great thing to talk about in therapy. A trained therapist can help you understand why this is happening and how to work with it. They may be able to help you treat any underlying conditions, and help you build healthy skills to engage in arguments with more presence and compassion. If you feel you need support, please reach out to us here to schedule a free consultation.
